Midweek reflections

It's the middle of the week and I need to get into the habit of journaling, so please forgive me if I write like I am going off on an epic stream of consciousness. I want so much to share here what I would not say out in the open. This is because I feel confident in writing my feelings down because I know that I have an audience. It's just too awkward to share my thoughts out loud because the feedback is immediate and I tend to be protective of my thoughts and feelings. It's an energy thing, I guess. That, and I function better in more intimate settings. One-on-one conversation is easier for me because we can focus on each other in our communication. If it is three or more people in a conversation, I feel like I am jockeying for position just to be heard. Today, I had good news that I was chosen the "Champion of the Month" at my school. I am proud to say that my school earned an "A" grade from our state's Department of Education. The sad thing is, although my school has busted a hump trying to earn the grade that we have now, our state government continues to stack the deck against schools such as mine. But, I digress. I dislike complaining and my aunt advised me to be upset or angry for a few minutes and then let it go. She called it "Two tears in the bucket - and f--k it!" There is a reason why I click so well with my aunt in Detroit - she understands me! That is the greatest gift that someone can give another person - understanding. Tomorrow is my aunt's birthday. Correction: tomorrow is my Auntie's birthday. There is a difference between Aunt and Auntie! Look it up. I am guessing that my newly found desire to return to my blog is a sign of brighter days ahead. I noticed that I have been finally clearing away the debris and detritus of my life that I accumulated over the days since approximately 2017. I believe that I was in a depression over a confluence of crappy events in my life that threatened to overshadow my joy for good. I put on a happy face in the real world because that was my obligation. At home, however, I let things pile up. I let myself get sloppy. I had no self-awareness about myself because I live alone and entertain at home only once in a blue moon. Long story short, I let myself go. Thankfully, this past summer woke me up to my own mental health. That, and my new awareness of emotional availability. A former colleague introduced me to that concept. The truth is setting me free as I begin to make sense of where I am and who I am today.